Wit and Wisdom

WIT

Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

The good fortune to run into the people I do like,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Serenity prayer:
Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change
And wine to accept the things I can’t

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself – Eleanor Roosevelt

• If you want your dreams to come true,you mustn’t oversleep.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• Inside me is a skinny woman trying to get out, but I shut her up with cookies.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• My Family tree is full of nuts.
• The older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune.
• I’m so busy…I don’t know if I found a rope or lost my horse.
• Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty – they merely move it from their faces to their hearts. Martin Burbaum

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

And the WINNER is… FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

WISDOM

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it” -Richard Bach

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the ones who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Prayer is not a “spare wheel” that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a “steering wheel” that directs the right path throughout the journey.

So why is a Car’s WINDSHIELD so large & the Rear View Mirror so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.

Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes a few minutes to burn, but it takes years to write.

All things in life are Temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don’t worry, they can’t last long either.

Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don’t forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!

Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, “Relax, sweetheart, it’s just a bend, not the end!

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn’t solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

A blind person asked St. Anthony: “Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?” He replied: “Yes, losing your vision!”

When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

WORRYING does not take away tomorrow’s TROUBLES, it takes away today’s PEACE.

QUOTES

April is a promise that May is bound to keep. ~Hal Borland

I love spring anywhere, but if I could choose I would always greet it in a garden. ~Ruth Stout

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!” ~ Robin Williams

Spring makes its own statement, so loud and clear that the gardener seems to be only one of the instruments, not the composer. ~Geoffrey B. Charlesworth